Envy isn't necessarily green, it may be grey

I grew up during the '50's and '60's, married first in 1965.

So, I've been around long enough to earn the grey hair on my head. There have been other marks of the miles as well: to wit, a long scar on my abdomen from surgery, wrinkles around my eyes, sagging jowls,other sagging bits. There have been a LOT of miles. And I'm pretty well content with my life so far. I didn't run the marathon I wanted to run...but I ran the River Run (15k in Jacksonville, FL) three times. There was never that black belt in karate...but a yellow. I'm still not scuba certified, but there may be time.

I do have three brilliant, gorgeous, adult children and four brilliant, gorgeous grandchildren. Learning along the way that I am not cut out for marriage (after 4) is the price of admission for me. And it is okay. However, just in the past 24 hours I have discovered a part of me heretofore uncharted and, in fact, denied. I am envious.

Not green with envy, that is far too light a term for the blaze of chagrin, pain, discomfort, which surged through my brain and heart.

I have recently been in contact with a person from my senior class. He had asked a favor, a small one. We have not been in contact for 45 years. In fact, I don't think he ever talked to me directly in school. I do know I didn't like him in high school. He was arrogant, way too self assured, and dismissive. Probably traits I hold as well. But when I looked him up online I found he has had an incredibly successful life/career. Everything seems just as he projected it in school. No apparent bumps in the road. Of course I am sure that is not entirely accurate, everyone has bumps. But he has made it this far with material possessions, family, success in every facet of his life. He is even more handsome as he has aged!

How could that be! We came from the same small community, had much the same education...including an Ivy League graduate school. What happened? Have I learned other lessons? Does his thousand dollar suit hold up better than my $30 uniform? I'm still looking for answers. At this point perhaps the search is where I need to be. I will do the favor for him, and I will continue to pray that he gets everything he wants. He deserves it and I need the practice praying.